To be honest

The time is out of joint—O cursèd spite.
I can’t be fricking bothered to set it right.
Partial quote from Hamlet.

Some readers have pointed out that I haven’t posted in a while.
I am aware.
There is a reason.
It took me a while to get a grasp on that reason though. All I knew was that I was unhappy about a lot of things.
Amateur cryptozoology is what’s out of joint.
And I am too.

With amateur cryptozoology you have all these Facebook groups, all meant to provide information to those new to the field. You also have those new to the field (and those not so new…) posting blurry, pixelated images with one or more red circles, supposedly depicting Bigfoots or some other unexplained phenomenon.
I have a problem with those photos. But I don’t want to be a total b**** about it so I say nothing.
Still, I have read about this sort of stuff since I learned how to read, and I know fairly well by now what’s something and what is a trick of the eye or pareidolia.
DSCN1377Those photos have nothing in them. Not one thing other than shadows, light and leaves and other patterns.
But you can’t say pareidolia anymore. It’s a bad word nowadays, so I say nothing. And there’s always the odd chance that people seeing something may be able to see frequencies I can’t and that there really is something in those pictures.
But that’s a very odd chance.
And yes, I know there are photos of creatures that just happens to be blurry, but that’s a completely different thing. I’m talking about the photos of nature with odd rings over every shadow…
And I see the same articles and photos being shared in all groups over and over, which is good for the newbies, I’m sure, but I find myself getting increasingly frustrated.
But I say nothing.

My frustration is not the fault of the newbies per se.
I just have that kind of glue-like brain that remembers pretty much everything I read and I get frustrated when there is hardly anything new to read and learn.
I also get frustrated because of those photos. Those are the kind of photos that I will be confronted with one day. Since I write about this field I must be one of those people who believe every shadow is a Bigfoot?
No…

I decided to distance myself and to take a break. Partly because of the frustration I have been feeling but also because I, which I never ever talk about, suffer from severe psychological problems.
For 25 years at least I have had clinical depression with quite a lot of self harm behavior. But worse than everything else is my fricking OCD.
And no, it’s not the “oh, I’m so OCD”-kind… I kinda hate that kind. They don’t have a clue what real OCD is.f1ea8c53b1779c516d0753fe10286b20

Thought causing anxiety flies through head= do ritual to ensure safety of everyone= thought got results and will now go through head over and over and faster and faster causing non-stop rituals and a feeling like your frontal lobe will explode. Repeat. Eternally.
It’s been exceptionally bad lately. I take my “happy pills” which makes depression milder but OCD worse, I stop for a while and vice versa.
I can’t seem to find my balance.
And please don’t:
1. tell me to try whatever method you’re subscribing to or
2. pity me.
I know people want to help but this is also why I don’t talk about it. The problem is the wiring in my head and the balance of chemicals in there. It’s nothing anyone can fix.
This is my thing. It’s fricking hell a lot but it also teaches me a lot other people miss.

So, bear with me. For 3 and a half years I have been non-stop reading, watching and writing about cryptozoology 16 hours a day on most days.
I am tired. I need a break.
Plus I always get less productive as winter approaches. Maybe it has to do with the drastic changes in daylight?
I tend to come out of it after a while.

I know this is not the most uplifting post, so I’ll post a photo of my new kittens now.
Peace!

ungar 004b

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “To be honest”

  1. Sorry to hear. And the pareidola stuff really irritates. Even if such splotches indicate crypto-animals, makes no sense for so-called researchers to publish them. Enjoyed your efforts. But a rest from usual tasks can be very helpful. All the best to you, and hope to read your comments again sometime.

  2. Light & Laughter to you! Sending you thoughts of warm fuzzies and a nice peaceful hibernation for a bit. Most people have zero actual knowledge of what the OCD cycle consists of, even though it has strangely been popularized as a catch phrase for slightly abnormal behavior and thus remains ironically present in modern vocabulary without (for the most part) being understood and recognized for what it is. I can appreciate your struggle and I am curious as to whether or not you have ever tested to see if you might be a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) as certain characteristics of HSP’s are evidenced with OCD.
    Anyhoooooooo, wishing you well and hope you have some decent rest, Happy New Year!

  3. Hi wolfkinswhitehound and thank you for your comment! You’re absolutely right, if I tell someone I have OCD they pretty much always come back with “oh so am I, yesterday I had to check the stove 3 times before I left…”
    Yeah…
    I score very high on HSP tests so I know I am one and as such I’m not exactly fit for this planet, lol.
    A very Happy New Year to you too!! 🙂

Say something about this

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s