Who am I?
My whole life has been a journey, an endless quest to uncover pieces. Pieces of the truth, of what lies beyond the matrix. I believe my spirit, IF reincarnation is real, I might have started this in a previous life.
I say IF, because I have found enough pieces to know that I know nothing.
Nothing can be etched in stone as absolute truth, not one single thing.
Our minds usually tend to occupy themselves with worldly, material things. It’s what we see, what we feel, and therefore what we cling to as “the truth”.
Because what would we be if we really could grasp that the whole material world is an illusion, just a dream? We would be drifting in space, with no sense of direction. We would be alone. It would be the ultimate chaos and we will fight that with everything we got!
I’m no different.
I hate drifting around alone in space. Way too cold and dried space food sucks!
Yes, I’m speaking metaphorically, but sometimes I wonder… maybe the metaphor is in fact the truth?
Now don’t worry, I won’t go too deep in this blog. I think.
My life has not been an easy or typical one.
So far I’ve learned enough to keep me grounded but unafraid to dive into the strange, dark ponds I come across along my path. I will climb every mountain, examine every cave and turn over as many stones as I can stand, to get closer to the truth. I will be that crazy woman who will take that overgrown path leading into the deep, dark woods, while everyone else continues on the paved and lit up road.
I might get hit over the head by an evil mountain troll this way, but then at least I’ll know that evil mountain trolls exist…
When I was around 4-5 I realized I felt like my parent’s parent. My priorities were so clear; I had to protect them no matter what since they were so young.
Seems like a strange thing to think when you are 4-5, but I think what I meant was that to me they seemed to be younger souls.
I have always resisted being controlled in any way, fiercely resisted it! Raising me was no easy task, I’m sure, but the reason I wouldn’t be told what to do, what was right and what was wrong, was because I already knew! Better than the poor people who strived to raise me!
I was never that kid who had to be told not to burn flies with a magnifying glass, not to pull the legs off of spiders and such. It was never in me to hurt a living thing, especially not an animal!
My values have changed very little since I was a child. I still know right from wrong, good from evil, and most importantly, I choose GOOD!
This doesn’t mean that I’ve been a saint all my life, oh no no no…. I’ve had my rebellious stage when I drank and got into fights and was about as wild and unruly as anyone could be. I had tons of aggression I had to get out, and I did, on anyone that wasn’t my friend basically.
But that was sort of a tunnel I had to get through to arrive on the other side.
Now I’m here. I’m me. And as hard as that can be at times, it also totally rocks!
I love who I am and I’m proud to be me!
I feel somehow that I took a pledge before I was born.
Some people believe we all sign a contract before we enter this earthly realm, and I’m pretty sure I did.
It has always been so clear to me what I’m supposed to do here. I’m supposed to be doing good.
Sounds lame? Well, I don’t mean that I’m supposed to sit on a meadow and play the lute and think happy thoughts! I’m me, the fierce Scorpio! I have passion in everything I do! I’m hotheaded and intense and can be quite scary when I want to be. I have ridiculous integrity. Oh, and I’m freakishly strong.
So there must be a reason for that? I must have been made in the exact way I was to be able to do the things I was supposed to do, right?
I just don’t believe in coincidences too much.
I’m no leader. But I’m DEFINITELY not a follower either.
I’m a loner. A grumpy, but good hearted loner who wants to help, almost no matter how much it will cost me. But not of it’s a lost cause. Meaning, I won’t even try to convince you of things you just can’t conceive at this moment.
Now what do I believe in?
Do I believe in God?
Of course! That’s a given!
Well, for me it is anyway, considering the pieces I have collected so far. There has to be a God.
Now, what God is I can’t answer.
I have theories, but I’m pretty sure that no matter how clever I think I am or how wild my imagination runs, my theories on God wouldn’t come anywhere NEAR what God really is.
So I’ve settled on just thinking that God is everything. Not part of everything, God IS everything!
The way I am I just don’t fit in with any organized religion. I hope God won’t hold that against me!
At least what I am looking for in the end is to know God. The truth. The Alpha and the Omega.
I hope he will consider that.
I have huge issues with a lot of things in the Bible. I cannot believe that some of the things in there are supposed to be God’s words! They sound an awful lot like the words of MEN!
I have looked at gnosticism some and find a lot of their believes to make sense.
The Bible, as it is now, is a collection of old scriptures that were chosen from a much larger selection of old scriptures, many many hundreds of years ago, by a bunch of MEN, who had decided that they were good/ wise/ holy enough to JUDGE which books would be considered true and should therefore be included in the holy scripture of this new religion Christianity.
Censorship! Pure and true.
Many books were thrown out. Some of those were the gnostic texts that were recovered in 1945 near the Egyptian town of Nag Hammadi.
Very interesting scriptures.
So, I have very few absolute truths, but I do have beliefs.
I have also no problem with people believing in other things. Not at all.
I do however have a problem with people trying to force their beliefs unto somebody else!
Many Christians that I have met have tried to “steer me in the right direction”…
How arrogant! To assume that I do not know my God in my heart!
To assume that they are better people than I am!
Who are they? Are they humble? Are they not being judgmental?
They are NOT the good Christians they believe themselves to be!
They don’t believe, they are convinced! And it was never about conviction!
To be convinced is to have decided with your logical mind that this is something I choose to be my
one and only truth. It closes your heart, your mind. It leads to stagnation of spiritual growth.
They think their faith is so strong, but really, they’re just being stubborn!
Their faith, if confronted with a real challenge, is not as strong as they think!
It closes their mind to God in my opinion!
To believe is a much softer, humble, gentle thing to me.
To believe is to feel God within as well as all around. The ever present everything.
Of course there are good Christians as well, and I love their strong, pure hearts.
I just think many have forgotten what it was really all about. They have become blind.
They don’t look around because they are afraid to see something that will shake that “oh so strong” faith of theirs.
So they deny it.
And they ridicule anyone who brings it to their attention.
That is fear.
And fear is the opposite of love.
And God is love.
Now this blog won’t be all about deep and mysterious things! Sometimes, the mundane can trigger a need to express myself as well.
Well, welcome to my blog! 🙂